Turning my world upside down

At 37, I decided to confront my sexuality, convinced I was only “curious” rather than gay. The first time I was with a man, however, I felt completely at home and knew this was who I truly was. Yet this realisation was followed by guilt, depression, and fear of hurting my wife and children. My marriage deteriorated, and after months of anguish, redundancy pushed me to tell my wife the truth with the support of friends and a counsellor at Gay Men’s Health. To my surprise, she was understanding, and we agreed to divorce while maintaining our commitment to our children. Moving out marked a second milestone, as I sought medical advice, counselling, and support groups like Gay Dads Scotland, which helped me accept that I was not a “gay parent” but a parent who happens to be gay.

Through counselling and peer support, I rebuilt my life and learned to prioritise both my health and my children’s well-being. My ex-wife and I now co-parent successfully, and my children feel secure and loved in two happy homes. I have a supportive partner, openly take part in Pride events, and have grown confident in who I am. The proudest moment came when my eldest achieved top grades at school, reassuring me that my children are thriving despite the upheaval. Now at 41, I see how much soul-searching it took to come to terms with being both gay and a father, but I believe I can face any milestone ahead—just as I overcame the challenge of turning my world upside down.

It’s all about support

I was almost 40 when I finally plucked up the courage to tell my wife I was gay. She was, and remains, incredibly supportive, although we’re many years down the line now, we’re divorced and our children are adults. The first time I went to a Gay Dads Scotland meeting I was very nervous. I guess it was partly about not knowing what to expect, and partly because declaring my sexuality ‘publicly’ felt like a big step. I needn’t have worried. The guys I met were extremely welcoming. I talked about my situation and, surprise, surprise, it turned out that there actually were others who had been through similar experiences, feelings, highs and lows as me.

Now, several years later, although I don’t feel that I need the support of the group as much as I did in the early days, I still go every month as I think it’s right to carry on supporting the group that supported me – and to try to give our new members the kind of help that I got from the group.

Courage Found, Community Gained

I came out to my wife years before telling anyone else. She was shocked, but with young children, neither of us wanted to separate. We made it work for a time, but as I felt increasingly drawn to men, I didn’t want to live a lie or have an affair. Eventually, I chose to come out fully, knowing it would end our marriage. I wasn’t unhappy, but I kept wondering if I could be happier. I didn’t want to live with “what-ifs,” so I told our children on my own. Whether that was right or wrong, I knew it meant there was no turning back.

I discovered the dads group through an advert in Scotsgay magazine, which I picked up at The Street bar in Edinburgh. I was nervous attending my first Gay Dads Scotland meeting, expecting to feel alone—but instead found support and understanding from men who had walked similar paths. I cried as I shared my story, and they listened without judgment.

The group gave me space to talk, ask questions, and find reassurance. I’ve made lifelong friends. My children have been wonderfully supportive and have met some of the other dads in the group too.

Although times have changed, the continued arrival of new members shows the group’s importance. As long as it helps others the way it helped me, I’ll keep going—offering support just as I once received it.